omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
