ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
