oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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