My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
