this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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