My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
