we're chasing vodka with high fives
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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