I look better un-naked...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
