I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
