i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
