LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
