Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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