I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
