dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
