Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
