his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
