I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
