The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
