Don't make out with my wife yet
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
