Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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