I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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