I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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