cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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