I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
True college students do jello shots in the library
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
