I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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