it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You made out with two different species that night
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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