i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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