Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
