im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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