Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
