i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
