Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
