Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
