I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We got so high we made milksteak
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
