I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
