he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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