Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
