they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
