ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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