if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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