i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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