I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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