apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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