I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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