We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
