please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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