I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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