Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
