I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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