mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
