dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
