I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
